Thoughts

I'm thinking while blogging *sigh*

I have so many thoughts in my mind that i just wanted to scream it out but not loud.
can i do that? i'm scared.
scared till my whole body like turning into cold one
and my stomach full of butterflies.
There's so many stuff linger on my mind that i want it to happen!
i want it to happen now and just stuck there and let the time freeze.
While i'm enjoying the moment of mine to myself.
i am being silly here with such an endless imagination that i kept for myself
Which maybe it's just going to be my imagination for the rest of my life.
Am i satisfied with what i had in my life now?
no. not really. i'm not hating it neither do i loving it.
It sucks.
i am confused with this whole thing and this whole situation.
I don't know what else should i do or say.
my life now for me is very complicated on my point of view
And i hated it soo much!
every minute all i wanted is the time when i close my eyes and linger in my own dream
With my beautiful imagination.
that's only the time when i felt so calm and peace and smile? there's always on my face.
I couldn't talk to anybody about this. i don't want to.
Nobody will understand.

I guess all i've wanted is..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

nobody know. not even me. i know but i don't know how to make it happen and i'm not sure about it.

I felt so useless and stupid.

I am helpless now.

p/s : i wanted to buy the whole set of Twilight novels. where can i find it?

Butterfly

Breathe on me gently

Whisper me with your breathtaking voice

Touch my lips with your cold hand

Kiss me tenderly and passionately

Like there's no tomorrow.

Everyone makes me laugh today. Especially tonight. I am happy. I am taking risk. But whatever it is i know i can handle it wisely with God's help.

Good Night!!

Hundred miles from home

i felt awkward not going back home with ney lastnight.

i felt really uncomfortable. i don't know why.... i worried all the time about ney and the house but i don't know why (mcm org tua kan).
anyway it's only been one day i'm being single without ney here with me in kk but i already felt like missing something.


but.... it doesn't mean that i didn't enjoy myself here.
i am happy.
happy with my cousins. with my family.
it's been almost a week i'm here but i still haven't meet my mum and my sis.

last week we went back to kgau but we didn't use the ranau road to tambunan,
instead we used to kk road. one borneo and i love Daiso! hehe
so we had the chance to go to
skejap only we stay at kgau, 4 days.

this is ney with his nephew did fishing.
i miss kgau.

kk and kgau everyday also raining, then when there's the sun it was hot as hell.
make me feel like sick only.

okay me and my cousin just got our new ic today.
it's been 3 months i didn't take my ic then the guy there asked me why.
mau juga kan.
don't ask me about the picture on the my kad.
i don't like it at all.
if only i can go and change the picture.
hate it.

don't laugh hehe.

to Didy : Happy Belated b'day b**ch!! hehee

Holiday time !!

Going back to keningau tomorrow early in the morning, maybe 5.30 am / 6.00 am. I love to start a journey on the early morning... when it's still cold and abit dark. what i don't like is everytime in the morning my tummy start to feel not good. it is always like that.

I hope tomorrow along the journey will not be as hot as our previous journey which is damn hot! it was like somebody bake me in an oven. i'm like a potato in the car being roasted. seriously.


We are not gonna use the road to kk but we're using the road from ranau straight to tambunan then keningau. i hope the road is ok because thia is the first time for us to use the road there.

What i hate about this holiday is that ney only have 6 days of off day from work! his off kena kurang because before this was 8 days then to 6 days!!

I am sooo mad today. why? because i hate waiting for hours!! and i hate when the same mistake occur again and again, why it have to be like that?? why? and i'm tired of talking about the stupid mistake! i wont forgive and i wont forget. it's not a revenge. i'll give a lesson. so mad right now.


So i'm glad to be staying at kk for a few weeks away from here. SO GLAD! i can clear my mind.

I'll post my blog if i had any chance to make a connection through internet. but maybe i'll be 1 week without internet in keningau.

I hope everybody is at home in keningau. so it wont be boring.

should i ? or shouln't i ?

i am so confused !!

I don't know what should i do. I don't know what decision i should make.

Am i ready? am i REALLY REALLY ready? or should i wait?

Well i''m trying so hard to think on the bright side but then all the dark side suddenly took over all the bright side. So how the hell am i suppose to make a RIGHT decision about it?!!

THIS IS GIVING ME SO MUCH PRESSURE!

i hate the P word but i love it too.

i'm being silly now.

No idea

Let's see... what should i post/talk about... *thinking*

Well my appetite is making me crazy these days. why? i can't stop thinking about food. just any food. any food that pop-up on my silly mind. and when that happened, i get hungry and i really neeeed that food right away even if its in the midnight! i know, crazy right.
i don't know what's wrong with me. all day i only think about food food food! i have all this crazy idea making this food or that food or whatever for me to eat.
i guess this is all because of the medicine that i took (well maybe).

Well its not a bad thing. it's a good thing actually for me to gain more weight. coz i am sick of people telling me "oohh u lose weight" or "are you sick? why you look thinner?". i don't how much is my weight right now. and its stressing me out!

So yeah my day mostly is all about craving for foods or thinking what should i cook or eat later.

*******

Have you ever had a feeling like (i don't know how to say this) a lovey dovey birds puppy love feeling and it happened when you're in a really serious relationship? well i do. don't get me wrong. it's not that i don't appreciate the person that really meaningful to me now, but that kinda feeling just pop-out like that. and when that happened it makes you really really miss that old times when you and your special one just getting to know each other, and you'll miss all the nights that you and your lover are busy sms sms none stop, and how you have all this butterflies in your stomach and sweaty when you're gonna meet your lover and the rest goes on...... yeah.... i miss all of that already.

And this kind of feeling i always had when any old songs i heard that remind me of the old days during the lovey dovey thing going on. reminds me of my high school life with my crazy friends or when i'm having fun with my family. i LOVE that feeling soo much!

*******

The day of my holiday has been extended to 5 more days. so not good.

I planned my holiday to be a month long till the end of the year. but then i remember that there's christmas. i love christmas ! eventhough i don't get to celebrate that holidays but i just love all the decoration that been made up along tha street or at any malls, they are so pretty. so anyway, if that time i'll be with my family at kk, how about ney? he'll be alone here. do i want that to happen? i don't know what to do now. whether to stay at kk for the whole month or go back with him here.

I hate making decision like this!

*******

The New President Of America

I do care. because not only me but i bet everybody want to see what will Obama change about America (maybe). anyway glad that he won the election. the first black-american president.

*******

Okay i'm done here.

Don't know what else should i do

this tension between us

is all because of you
i'm not joking when i say something especially when i'm mad
i am dead serious
do you even care to put it on your mind and heart?
do you?
i am very disappointed on you
no words can describe how i felt
not a word will come out from me to you again
can't you just admit it?
can't you just tell the truth?
all the excuses you gave is unreasonable!
i am sick of this now
is all up to you to make this matter straight

this is what my heart have to say.

i am thinking about applying credit card. is it a wise decision? i need to think first the bad and good thing about having this easy-way-to-buy-anything-i-want card.....